i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
