i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We got so high we made milksteak
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
