this beer tastes like vomit already
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
