I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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