I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
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I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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