I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
