i think my mom watched the whole time
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
