Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
