You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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