there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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