We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
