I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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