can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
