I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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