The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I want to be your penis for a week.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
