Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize