??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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