i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
