Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
this beer tastes like vomit already
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
