Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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