As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
