I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
