If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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