Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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