is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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