we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
