YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
