You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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