I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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