My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
