we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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