She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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