well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
