by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
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I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
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Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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