im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
