You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
