Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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