Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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