before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
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We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
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