haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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