Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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