I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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