He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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