I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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