broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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