Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
