hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
