You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
