Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
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I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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