you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
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Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
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Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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