i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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