This is not my ceiling
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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