I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
